The Magic Kingdom’s Rivers of America (including Tom Sawyer Island and the Liberty Square Riverboat) are closing on July 7, probably because no child has read Tom Sawyer since 1971. It’s being replaced by a Toy Story attraction (that movie opened in 1995, so maybe the kids’ parents will like it). My idea of hell is an amusement park: ill-mannered crowds, lots of children, enforced jollity—“check, please!” At least small traveling carnivals have the chance of rides gone horribly wrong, and the thrill of menacing carnies. The good folks at Disney attempt to lure us onto Tom Sawyer’s Island: “Wander dusty dirt roads lined with tall trees, explore whirling mills and amble across creaky suspension bridges. Navigate narrow passages amid secret mined caves and uncover a frontier fort.” Can you imagine anything worse? I hope they include Aunt Polly’s Cocktail Bar. And oh, by the way, “In keeping with the laidback lifestyle that Tom is known to enjoy, you may experience a wait going to and returning from Tom Sawyer Island.” If I recall that rascal Tom correctly, he would somehow manage to trick his way to the front of the line.
